Ladies and gentlemen (and especially ladies), welcome to the Sports Kabob, a skewered look at the world of sports and pop culture.
Here are the top stories:
Former NFL player Junior Seau was in a car accident after he drove off a cliff in California.
While the reason for the crash is not known, there is no truth to the rumor that Seau's car was being chased by a golf club swinging Elin Nordegren.
Despite driving off the 30 foot cliff at nearly 70 miles per hour, Seau was unhurt.
Seau is thankful he survived, though he admits he should have never been chasing the Roadrunner to begin with.
Brett Favre isn't talking about his meeting with NFL officials that took place this week.
Favre said he instead prefers to sext his response.
Josh Hamilton hit two homeruns in a Rangers win over the Yankees on Tuesday.
Hamilton said it's the best he's ever felt without the aid of sweet, delicious heroin.
If the Texas Rangers advance to the World Series, former substance abuser Josh Hamilton will celebrate with Ginger Ale.
Manager Ron Washington on the other hand, will have coke.
Indianapolis Colts punter Pat McAfee was arrested for public intoxication Wednesday after police said he took a pre-dawn swim in a city canal and told them "I am drunk" as he tried to explain why he was sopping wet.
Getting arrested? Public intoxication? Irrational behavior? Who says punters aren't football players?
Vancouver Canucks forward Rick Rypien has been suspended indefinitely after becoming involved in an altercation with a fan at Minnesota on Tuesday night.
Sports insiders were shocked to hear this story, saying they had no idea the NHL had any fans.
Boston Celtics coach Doc Rivers said that he is cancer-free after having a biopsy Sunday morning.
The Celtics can't say the same about themselves though, since they still have Shaquille O'Neal.
The NBA is prohibiting its players from wearing a new line of sneakers that claims to increase vertical leap.
Though the NBA did say they may reconsider and at least let the white players wear them.
Magic Johnson sold his shares in the Los Angeles Lakers, the team announced on Monday.
The Lakers thanked Johnson for his years with the organization, and for giving his blood, sweat, and tears to the team. Ok, well maybe not his blood.
That's all for this week, leave comments, follow me on Twitter, and remember this is Jarrett Carlen wondering if I will get suspended next time I take a vicious hit at an NFL player.
For more of my observations on the world of sports, as well as politics, entertainment and current events, follow me on twitter @JarrettGC.