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Houston Rockets' Greg Smith dunks over Phoenix Suns' Jermaine O'Neal (20) during the second quarter of an NBA basketball game Wednesday, March 13, 2013, in Houston. (AP Photo/David J. Phillip)
If you open up an Oreo cookie, you will not find the Phoenix Suns. No way, no chance. This Band of Backups is most definitely not creamy white filling. There is virtually nothing in-between about Suns games.

111-81. 124-99. 117-77. 97-69. 127-96. 98-71. 111-81.

At first glance, those figures read like high/low temps for Phoenix in August.

We wish. Turns out, we did not consult the National Weather Service. Instead, those numbers come from Suns box scores. Yep. They happen to be final scores from this season, all XL lopsided losses by the Suns.

Hence, we pose a question: Why is it that when the Suns (rarely) win, they win. #Ding. But when the Suns lose - look out.

As in, look out below because the Suns scream "cannonball" and then smack the water from the roof of the garage, like an episode of Jackass.

The latest example had Johnny Knoxville and Planet Orange Cones in Houston. At least, the NBA schedule listed the Suns as allegedly taking on the Rockets. To date, we're still looking for tangible evidence that an actual game took place.

See, thing is, at the risk of getting all metaphysical here, did you really play a game if you didn't compete? #BuellerBueller

And we're not talking about expertise, where the Suns are challenged by a dearth of talent. We're citing effort, or the lack thereof. Did you even try? We know NBA salaries are guaranteed. And, based on this season, we now know something else: effort is not guaranteed. (By the way, forget maximum effort. We're realistic. We'd settle for respectable/acceptable effort.)

How else can you explain a game where you flipped on the TV to find the score was an eye-popping 100-64 midway thru the 4th quarter? In fact, we'd like to petition the NBA stat geeks to register a honkin' huge "DNP" across the Suns section of the final box score. #JackStomp

"Those that go along with the program will be here," Lindsey Hunter said on Wednesday night. "Those that won't...will eliminate themselves."

Nice to hear the coach deems it unacceptable. Thing is, it's happening on his watch. And, of course, Hunter has a business card that reads "interim" head coach.

Meaning, it's his team that's failing to consistently respond. (#HolyCannoliStat: 6 times under Lindsey Hunter, the Suns have committed 20 or more turnovers. Under Alvin Gentry, that happened twice this season.)

On Seinfeld, if memory serves, didn't Jackie Chiles offer up that "If you don't compete, thou shalt feel the heat," or something like that.

Therefore, who is eliminating whom exactly?

Paul Calvisi, Morning Sports Anchor - 92.3 KTAR/Arizona Sports 620

9 Comments   |   Join the conversation »
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    SunsDeuce wrote...
    Hunter is a joke
    And the stats prove it. But babby will come on the radio and rave about how he is doing. This is why the suns will not improve until these three (hunter, blanks, and babby) clowns are history.
  • Abuse
    azgbayfan wrote...
    Babby too!
    Yeah you can add Babby's name to that list as well. The future is dismal for the Suns. They could tank every game the rest of the year get the first pick and the Lakers pick and what are you going to get? 2 role players. I don't think there is a guaranteed starter in the top 8 picks of this year's lottery. They are all freshmen and sophmores and they are just not that good. I am not sure any of the 8 could start for the Suns who suck. I thought Noel could for a while but now that he is hurt all bets off. On top of that last year's pick Kendall Marshall is terrible!
  • Abuse
    BirdmanKickedYourAZ wrote...
    Creamy white filling?
    calvisi and Burns are both vying for the worst metaphor award...
  • Abuse
    Whatashame wrote...
    Pauli Poopchute
    is the crown prince of bad metaphors.
  • Abuse
    Patrick Peterson's Talent wrote...
    @ SunsDeuce
    Rarely say this, but I couldn't have said it better myself.
  • Abuse
    DrSublime wrote...
    @SunsDeuce also
    Ditto Hunter is Bank's choice, Banks is a joke, and Hunter is a terrible coach.
  • Abuse
    Whatashame wrote...
    Comparable to
    putting a freeway commuter into a NASCAR event. The clown has not coached at any level ever before. It is a complete joke.
  • Abuse
    mva5580 wrote...
    What is it with KTAR and metaphors
    Dave Burns is like the metaphor obsessive of the universe, EVERYTHING has to be compared to some ridiculous scenario that in no way belongs in a sports conversation. And here we get "creamy white filling?" How about you guys just talk about something without an insane comparison to something else? No, Kevin Kolb being cut is not similar to me throwing away a pair of socks that gets holes in them quickly. At all.
  • Abuse
    navymike wrote...
    Get a clue
    Don't you guys realize they put Hunter on the bench on purpose? The team needed to suck as bad as possible to start getting young, talented pieces on the roster. Dan Majerle would have made them compete and the brass didn't want that.....they want losses; as many as they can get. You guys are complaining about Hunter and the team and not realizing that the plan is actually being executed perfectly.
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